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WHOOPED BUREAUCRACY
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“NOOOOO” said Sir Hammer’itt in a loud voice, littered with frustration. “I spent three hours in overtime last week wrestling with that silly Dragon and the rest was spent on crowd control over at the market.” (There had been a “run” on the fresh fruits bordering on panic, requiring the “forced” keeping of peace in the lower village). “Yeah, and my vacation time isn’t shown on this paper either!” said Sir Wisabunch as he leaned over the heavy oak table for a better view.
“Now fellas, this new time keeping idea was the Wizard’s idea, not mine" said Sir Whoopsalot, "I can’t help it if the King wanted a new way to keep up with us. Personally, I suspect the Wizard dreamed up this whole program from his crystal ball and not by any logic known to “normal” people! Just look at where we have to account for lunch hours and the way our time is broken down into various columns.” He made hand gestures to the various pieces of parchment spread out on the large table in the office. The King had become concerned with the budget and wanted to account for the Knight corps more precisely than had been the traditional methods.
Outside the wooden framed window to the “Ye Ole Keeper’s of the Peace” office which faced the street, the sites and sounds of panic and mayhem could be observed. A mad dash by dozens of fear-stricken citizenry here, a large, bright tongue of flame there. The sounds of destruction and pieces of the village flying past the window were oblivious to all.
The Dragon run a’muck, as it were.
The matters at hand, however, were the concern for getting paid what was due all in the service of the crown. And this new accounting system had them all “over a barrel” so to speak.
“Yeah, and look here” said Sir Growly as he elevated is massive form from the chair to move closer to the table. “I was assigned to the Moat Cleaning detail all of last week and was supposed to draw extra hazard pay for dodging the alligators. But there isn’t a spot on the paperwork for that!” Sir Lunchalot and Sir Whoopsalot leaned over to study the parchment even closer.
“By golly, your right. I’m not going to pull another shift in the guard tower if I’m not going to get overtime for it.” Retorted Sir Lunchalot as he raised his tankard to draw another swig of life enhancing ale’.
Sir Whoopsalot stood up and began gathering all of the papers into a neat and tidy stack near the center of the table. “Alright fellas, write down all of your time for last week and give to me in the morning and I’ll make sure it gets entered into the “correct” columns on the paperwork. Now go out there and reign in that Dragon. He’s wrecking the whole Kingdom while we’re in here trying to account for the things we do to SAVE the Kingdom from destruction.
AND SOMEBODY FIND MY COFFEE CUP!” He bellowed as he slammed the paperwork down on his desk in the corner.
Meanwhile the Dragon was making another lap down the street in “hot” pursuit of the good citizens of Biteme Village. Screaming, smashing, flaming and paperwork. Whew! This job was getting to be work. There was nothing in the job description about work! Oh well. It was a job with fringe benefits so who was to complain anyway. Whoopy blew out the lamp and left the office for the night. On the far side of the village a familiar melody of mayhem was heard. Occasionally the sight of the Dragon’s flames or his tail could be seen. The sounds of dutiful suppression attempts by the Knight Corp were also evident. As Whoopy crossed the wooden bridge leading to East Biteme where his humble abode stood, he could make out the status of the battle to restore peace and tranquility in the Kingdom. The Knights were winning the battle but at a cost. Several buildings and the King’s drawbridge had gone up in flames and you KNOW what the Queen was going to say about the new drapes she’d hung across the parapets last week. Whoopy almost didn’t want to go back to work the next morning.
Whoopy made his way home and crossed the drawbridge after picking up the mail. He entered the kitchen from the side entrance to find the lovely Andessa working on dinner. He kissed her on the cheek and said a word to the children who were seated at the dinner table working on homework and a school project or two. Whoopy made his way up to the master bedroom which overlooked the central castle courtyard and the stables. Squire Boozely and Squire Bently were hard at work putting new shoes on Whoopy’s horse. The horse stood stoically, one hoof elevated, eating hay from the bin to his front. All was serene at Castle Whoopsalot. From over the crenaled walls of his castle, Whoopy strained to hear if the mischief in the village has settled down yet. It appeared as if it had. All that was heard now against the backdrop of twilight was the distant hooting of an owl and an occasional word or two from the Squires as they worked to finish their blacksmithing duties. Whoopy thought about their time too. He was going to have to figure out how to enter THEIR time on the payroll sheets. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t the humble servants of the Crown just get paid like they always had? You’d tell the town Crier how many hours and he’d count out that many coins from his leather sack. It was that simple. And since Whoopy was salaried, his never changed. Much. But not now. Now they’d have to list lunch time, how much they ate, where they ate, and how many minutes it took them to get to that favorite tavern and so on and so on. Not to mention all the assorted duties that went along with keeping peace in the Kingdom. Moat duty, Dragon suppression, guard duty, public relations! Geesshhh! Even the Wizard was getting it mixed up. And it was HIS program!!
“Whoopy my dear, it’s dinner time. I’ve fixed your favorite; fried pineapple and ice cream!” A smile broke out on Whoopy’s face. Andessa was one of the brightest spots in Whoopy’s tired life. Her kitchen acumen was unquestioned and it showed around Whoopy’s middle somewhat. He didn’t care. It was bragging rights as far as he was concerned. He turned and crossed the parapet to the staircase leading into the courtyard.
The next morning found Whoopy in the office, knee deep in paperwork and dutifully working on the time sheets. “Now let me see, Wizzy spent 3.8 hours with his crystal ball. Okay, so that goes here” he muttered to himself as he made notations on the papers in precise manner. Whoopy busied himself with the papers and didn’t notice Sir Bounderbutt come into the office.
“Here is the time for my people.” He said with a bit of whimsy as he laid more papers on top of the considerable stack Sir Whoopsalot had going already. George looked up at Sir Bounderbutt, his upper face and the unmistakable lines of a hidden grin visible through his faceplate. “What’s the word on last night Boundy” muttered Sir Whoopsalot as he diligenhtly made notes here, crossed out things there on the time sheets, occasionally holding one up to the light for a better view. Sir Bounderbutt drew a tankard of ale from the office “barrel” and walked over to his favorite chair in front of Whoopy’s desk. He unbuttoned part of his armored tunic to let in some fresh air.
“Well, we managed to corner the Dragon and fight him to a standstill near the Village green. But by then he’d burned up two houses and a lemonade stand. He nailed the Bagel Vendor as he was trying to make good his escape up a side ally.” Both men giggled about that. Whoopy still pored over the papers. The Wizard was due any minute and he’d need to be finished accounting for everyone’s time by then. Whoopy returned to mumbling again and Bounderbutt began fiddling with his helmet. One of the chin straps had come loose again and Boundy was trying to fix it.
About then the Wizard made his grand entrance and immediately sauntered over to the ale barrel where a clean mug was to be found standing upside down. “Well George, have you gotten the new system figured out yet?” “Well,” said George as he massaged his chin with his hand, “I think I’ve got everyone down pat now. It was a struggle with the different categories but I’ve managed to nail it down with some satisfaction.”
“Good, if you’ll give me the final sheets I’ll go and turn them into the King’s accountant and the pay will be distributed as usual at the village green.” Everyone present seemed to breathe a sigh at that suggestion. As George was gathering up the papers and handing them to the Wizard a large and fast moving figure flashed past the window and burst through the door. Sweat dripping from under his helmet and bearing crumpled papers in his left hands he rushed across the room to fling the papers on the desk in front of Whoopy.
“What’s this” said George in a gruff tone and pointing to the fresh stack of papers on the desktop. The dust swirled around everyone while Bounderbutt tried in vain to sweep it away from his mug of ale. “Whew!” said Sir Wenchalot as he removed his helmet, revealing a sweaty mess underneath. “I didn’t think I’d make it here in time. I was reviewing the information I gave you yesterday on my troops when I noticed I had listed Sir Beaner on leave when he was assigned to “Crusade” duty and you know the union requires extra pay for that. So I hoped on a horse and rode like the wind to get here and straighten that out before you gave the numbers to Wizzy.” Wizzy stepped up and took the papers from the desk and looked quizzically at them. “Well that’s not a problem, we’ll just make a change here and a new entry here and that’ll take care of it.” Whoopy looked on, along with Sir Lunchalot as the Wizard, adept at bureaucracy as he was, made the necessary changes and, with a smile, departed toward Castle MegaGrande with the payroll sheets. Everyone donned helmet and sword to go forth and battle Dragons and mischief, quietly comfortable that all was well in the service of the Crown.
The next morning found Sir Whoopsalot and Sir Wenchalot on patrol in the east end of the village. Suddenly, from the opposite end of the village an uproar was heard. All manor of discord was finding their ears from afar. Whoopy and Wenchy looked at each other as if to question each other about the disturbance, and both coming up empty. Both men dashed off in the direction of the din, stopping halfway across the village in front of the Wretched Monkey Tavern to observe the Dragon sitting on the veranda, sipping a drink with his feet, uh, Paws (?), up on the railing. Spying him from the street, his eyes meeting theirs he raised his right paw in opened handed, (?), fashion and shook his head as if to convey that it was not he who was the cause of the latest ruckus to assault peace and tranquility in the Kingdom. He was merely taking life easy this morning and enjoying the discontent from relaxed circumstances. It was his job to cause trouble but he certainly didn’t argue when he didn’t have to work at it.
Learning that it wasn’t the Dragon’s mischief that was the source of the uproar, both men again set rapidly afoot toward the ever growing noise of public disturbance, their armor and swords rattling ever so as they ran. (OK. They were WALKING VERY FAST! Satisfied! Geesshh!)
Rounding the corner of the village tannery and setting out onto the main green it was obvious from the angry mob gathered in the center that this was the source of the altercation. Whatever it was. As Whoopy and Wenchy fought their way to the center of the crowd the instigation of all things angry this morning was obvious; the Wizard and a Squire were sitting in a tree, surrounded by loyal but angry subjects of the crown, looking very forlorn and disheveled. And in desperate need of friends.
“What’s going on here” bellowed Sir Wenchalot as he eyed the unruly mob that was usually the peaceful townsfolk of Biteme Village. All eyes and attention then fell on Whoopy and the Wizard. It seemed that absolutely no one had anticipated the complete fiasco that was the new system. One of the Knight Corp had been shorted nearly his entire overtime. Another had been placed on “waivers” indefinitely. Still others had been paid nearly double their normal stipend. Lady Tightbottice had gotten a “tax” bill when she should have gotten a subsidy for “community work.” Some system this was all turning out to be. Wizzy looked at his old friend and suggested with his baleful expression that a solution was needed. Quickly.
Whoopy walked amongst a quietened but observant gathering and whispered something to the King and the Crier. Some minutes later, after much haggling and wrangling, Sir Whoopsalot motioned for Wizzy to come down from his lofty but safe perch and huddle with him and the King. Moments later, to everyone’s delight, a stout leather bag was thrown towards the Town Crier who, with a large and hefty grin strolled over the bannered tent under the tree and began to dole out the normal “salaries”. All would return to normal in the Kingdom shortly. As Whoopy strutted down Main Street toward his office he again passed in front of the Wretched Monkey Tavern where the Dragon was to be found, sipping his drink and reading the paper. He lowered his paper to make eye contact with the Knight. With a wink of one of his eyes he calmly took another sip and returned to his leisurely pursuits. A well ordered choreography of mischief and valor benefited the Kingdom and they both knew it. All would be back to normal soon. And everyone was happy.
Well……….almost everyone…………..
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